My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
