Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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