I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
