i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
