Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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