Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
