i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
