I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
