I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
