new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
