Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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