I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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