I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
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