You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
