The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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