Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
