they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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