I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
