The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
