I hope mine doesn't look like that
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
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