can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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