home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
