i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
We need to get me chipped asap
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
