lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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