I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
