I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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