i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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