a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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