Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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