Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
