Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
