i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
