Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
