I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
