handjob tips. give me some.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
