I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
