I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
