Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
