I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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