that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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