I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
