life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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