I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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