So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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