She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
How naked do you want me to be?
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