i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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