He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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