help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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