Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
