What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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