i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
